Gifts, toys and pictures

With Christmas just passed all these pictures and posts appear all over social media of what and how much the kids got for their Christmas. I also see the anti post posts, where people get offended for seeing other kids getting more stuff than theirs.

I can see where people are coming from but in my opinion each to their own. Just because a child got 20 gifts doesn't mean they had a better Christmas than a child that got 2.

Personally I just loved seeing Lance take to any of the gifts we got him and playing with it. To be honest the thing he got most excited about was a book. But most importantly he had fun with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles and that means more than any toy.

And no toy compares to someone sitting down with them and play together. The parent is the most important "toy" in the house. They will learn so much more from an adult than any toy.

Xx

Just a minute

You know that phrase "just give me a minute". I had no idea that it ceases to exist the same minute you have a baby. Your minutes are no longer yours.

I remember a couple of hours after I had Lance and I had been left in the room alone with him. First of all that was so scary and such an eye-opening moment. He was completely relying on me for the first time. Even though he slept for a couple of hours, I found myself expecting him to wake up at any moment so I couldn't relax. I was terrified going to the bathroom for many reasons but I remember thinking what if someone comes and steals him when I'm in there. So I rolled him as close to the door as I could and for the first time I left the door open. And the funny thing is it has not been shut since.

Privacy is long gone, having a shower in peace is no longer a luxury I'm privileged enough to get, finishing a meal in one go. For some reason "just give me a minute" doesn't work on a toddler. But I have the best company anyone could ask for. I really had no idea how much the every day would change and it's almost impossible to imagine before you are there.

That's why it's really important to have some me-time, so I can keep my sanity and individuality. It's so easy to fall into the habit of identifying myself as Lance's mum instead of Sofia. So the few minutes / hours I get to be just me, just Sofia I need to make them count.

Xx

Apologies

The power of an apology is a lot bigger than any compensation.

I know my husband will probably agree with this. For me an apology is so extremely difficult for me to issue. I almost rather flea than face the situation and apologise. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I do, but for some reason it's a scary thing.

I don't have any trouble admitting when I'm wrong when it comes to facts. But the times when I've said something inappropriate, let my feelings take over and blurted out an insult or point blank hurt someone unintentionally, it stings. I'd rather avoid the person for as long as I can instead of apologising.

Now, the dilemma comes when I realise that I have to teach Lance how and when to apologise and why it's the right thing to do. Man am I the wrong person for this job. I think I might need to learn alongside him. And I hope I can just get over my fears and own up. What's the worst thing that could happen?
(famous last words)

Xx

Unconditional love

For every day that passes I get to know my boy better and better. I get to learn what triggers what, his likings and dislikings, how stubborn he is, how thirsty he is for knowledge, when he wants to be left alone or when he needs a cuddle. And at the same time he is getting to know me and how I function. So just as I love him no matter what, so does he. He doesn't judge me for my mistakes or think I'm less worthy of love if I'm a bit grumpy one day. Which makes it even more important that I can communicate with him and show him my emotions and reactions. And just like I would comfort him if he's upset, I can show him that mummy could use a cuddle aswell at some point.

Sure there's moments when my patience is tested and when it's a bit harder to remember that I love him. The times when I'm up all night, food is getting splattered all over the kitchen, tantrums are appearing at the most inconvenient times, he's dirtied his nappy just as I've dressed us to leave the house, well the list can go on. But the fact that I want to go through those moments with him and teach him something from them lets me know that unconditional love is real.

Xx

Grown up weekend

We went away for 2 nights to Frankfurt a couple of days ago and Lance was at my mums place for the full time. It's the first time we've left him for more than a night.

I missed him so much and by the cuddles I got of him when we came back tells me he missed me aswell. But I know he was in the best hands and he was having lots of fun with his Mormor.

It was well needed for us to get away and have some time as a couple. I have been craving it for months and I know we both enjoyed ourselves. I think the best part of the trip was the first morning when we both woke up when we were finished sleeping. With that I mean when your body decides that's enough sleep and it's time to start the day. No alarm, no doors slamming, no crying baby, no dog barking... Just peace and quiet!

One of those sleeps can go a long way but I wouldn't change Lance waking me up every morning for that, however I do really really appreciate them when they happen.

Of course some other highlights included not having to carry a nappy bag with us wherever we went. Also we could eat whatever and whenever we wanted to. It truly is the little things in life that you can only truly appreciate when you have a child. And Frankfurt is absolutely beautiful and the Christmas market was magical. I would highly recommend it!

But the massive big cuddle I got when Lance came home still topped it all.

Xx

Xmas with a toddler

Life with a toddler sure makes Xmas a lot more fun and exciting. Lance is still a bit young to appreciate the magic but that doesn't stop us from getting involved in it. 

Everyone who knows us know that our Xmas tree goes up in November and we basically have the house decorated and ready for December to arrive. To me all of December is a build up for the big day and I would like to keep that going for Lance.

In our family we have two big days. Xmas eve is when we celebrate swedish Xmas and Xmas day is Scottish Xmas. It's great because we never need to compromise and we can all keep our traditions going. We just take turns to host. This year my sister is hosting Xmas eve and we are going to my in laws for Xmas day.

It's so much fun for me who loves Xmas to mix all of the traditions and find lots of new ones. Lance is going to be so spoilt for Xmas spirit.

Xmas with a toddler - so much fun!

Xx

Reflect

It's been a bit over a month since I started writing my blog. I have grown so much from just writing about these things. Being able to put thoughts into words and reading them back to myself has helped me to look at certain situations and feelings with a bit of perspective.

Besides, it feels really good to get it out of my system. It's not really venting but releasing some things that have been underlying and that I've not taken time out to reflect on. It's so easy getting wrapped up in being a mum and put myself aside. Sometimes it's easier and other times it's just the natural mother mode kicking in. So I try to remember to at least once a day do something I really want to do. Even if it is to write a post, read a chapter etc.

I've been a bit kinder to myself lately, not beating myself up too much when I've not been a perfect mum, wife, sister, daughter, friend or person. I am tired of pretending to be happy if I'm not or pretending that everything is under control when in fact I could really use a hand. I have finally accepted that I will never be able to do everything right or even to the best of my ability. I can just do the best at that point in time under the circumstances that I've been presented with.

I am just me and that should be enough!

Xx

PS. Thanks to everyone who's reading, it means a lot. I hope someone can take something away from my posts and maybe feel abit less alone.

A good mum or a bad mum?

I'm struggling with the term "you're a good mum". How do you know? Can you measure it? Is it comparable to other mums?

How do I define a good mum? I have no clue. I guess you don't know until the child is grown up so you can get an overall picture of the influence you have been in that child's life.

Can you be a good mum even though you have bad mum moments? When you get too overwhelmed or all your buttons have been pushed and you end up loosing your cool? Does that mean you have been a bad mum that day or does it weigh up at the end of the day. Good moments versus bad moments. Is that what defines what type of mother I am?

To me I'd rather be a present mum or involved mum or affectionate mum or mamabear mum or all of the above. I think there's pros and cons with every decision or approach I take throughout the day in various situations, but I have to be comfortable that I made the best decision I could at that point in time. And even if I look back at it later and think "what on earth was I thinking", try to be understanding of the circumstances and emotions that I was dealing with at that particular time.

Good mum or bad mum?! Is that even a thing or are we just mums?

Xx