Gifts, toys and pictures

With Christmas just passed all these pictures and posts appear all over social media of what and how much the kids got for their Christmas. I also see the anti post posts, where people get offended for seeing other kids getting more stuff than theirs.

I can see where people are coming from but in my opinion each to their own. Just because a child got 20 gifts doesn't mean they had a better Christmas than a child that got 2.

Personally I just loved seeing Lance take to any of the gifts we got him and playing with it. To be honest the thing he got most excited about was a book. But most importantly he had fun with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles and that means more than any toy.

And no toy compares to someone sitting down with them and play together. The parent is the most important "toy" in the house. They will learn so much more from an adult than any toy.

Xx

Just a minute

You know that phrase "just give me a minute". I had no idea that it ceases to exist the same minute you have a baby. Your minutes are no longer yours.

I remember a couple of hours after I had Lance and I had been left in the room alone with him. First of all that was so scary and such an eye-opening moment. He was completely relying on me for the first time. Even though he slept for a couple of hours, I found myself expecting him to wake up at any moment so I couldn't relax. I was terrified going to the bathroom for many reasons but I remember thinking what if someone comes and steals him when I'm in there. So I rolled him as close to the door as I could and for the first time I left the door open. And the funny thing is it has not been shut since.

Privacy is long gone, having a shower in peace is no longer a luxury I'm privileged enough to get, finishing a meal in one go. For some reason "just give me a minute" doesn't work on a toddler. But I have the best company anyone could ask for. I really had no idea how much the every day would change and it's almost impossible to imagine before you are there.

That's why it's really important to have some me-time, so I can keep my sanity and individuality. It's so easy to fall into the habit of identifying myself as Lance's mum instead of Sofia. So the few minutes / hours I get to be just me, just Sofia I need to make them count.

Xx

Apologies

The power of an apology is a lot bigger than any compensation.

I know my husband will probably agree with this. For me an apology is so extremely difficult for me to issue. I almost rather flea than face the situation and apologise. I'm not sure what I think will happen if I do, but for some reason it's a scary thing.

I don't have any trouble admitting when I'm wrong when it comes to facts. But the times when I've said something inappropriate, let my feelings take over and blurted out an insult or point blank hurt someone unintentionally, it stings. I'd rather avoid the person for as long as I can instead of apologising.

Now, the dilemma comes when I realise that I have to teach Lance how and when to apologise and why it's the right thing to do. Man am I the wrong person for this job. I think I might need to learn alongside him. And I hope I can just get over my fears and own up. What's the worst thing that could happen?
(famous last words)

Xx

Unconditional love

For every day that passes I get to know my boy better and better. I get to learn what triggers what, his likings and dislikings, how stubborn he is, how thirsty he is for knowledge, when he wants to be left alone or when he needs a cuddle. And at the same time he is getting to know me and how I function. So just as I love him no matter what, so does he. He doesn't judge me for my mistakes or think I'm less worthy of love if I'm a bit grumpy one day. Which makes it even more important that I can communicate with him and show him my emotions and reactions. And just like I would comfort him if he's upset, I can show him that mummy could use a cuddle aswell at some point.

Sure there's moments when my patience is tested and when it's a bit harder to remember that I love him. The times when I'm up all night, food is getting splattered all over the kitchen, tantrums are appearing at the most inconvenient times, he's dirtied his nappy just as I've dressed us to leave the house, well the list can go on. But the fact that I want to go through those moments with him and teach him something from them lets me know that unconditional love is real.

Xx

Grown up weekend

We went away for 2 nights to Frankfurt a couple of days ago and Lance was at my mums place for the full time. It's the first time we've left him for more than a night.

I missed him so much and by the cuddles I got of him when we came back tells me he missed me aswell. But I know he was in the best hands and he was having lots of fun with his Mormor.

It was well needed for us to get away and have some time as a couple. I have been craving it for months and I know we both enjoyed ourselves. I think the best part of the trip was the first morning when we both woke up when we were finished sleeping. With that I mean when your body decides that's enough sleep and it's time to start the day. No alarm, no doors slamming, no crying baby, no dog barking... Just peace and quiet!

One of those sleeps can go a long way but I wouldn't change Lance waking me up every morning for that, however I do really really appreciate them when they happen.

Of course some other highlights included not having to carry a nappy bag with us wherever we went. Also we could eat whatever and whenever we wanted to. It truly is the little things in life that you can only truly appreciate when you have a child. And Frankfurt is absolutely beautiful and the Christmas market was magical. I would highly recommend it!

But the massive big cuddle I got when Lance came home still topped it all.

Xx

Xmas with a toddler

Life with a toddler sure makes Xmas a lot more fun and exciting. Lance is still a bit young to appreciate the magic but that doesn't stop us from getting involved in it. 

Everyone who knows us know that our Xmas tree goes up in November and we basically have the house decorated and ready for December to arrive. To me all of December is a build up for the big day and I would like to keep that going for Lance.

In our family we have two big days. Xmas eve is when we celebrate swedish Xmas and Xmas day is Scottish Xmas. It's great because we never need to compromise and we can all keep our traditions going. We just take turns to host. This year my sister is hosting Xmas eve and we are going to my in laws for Xmas day.

It's so much fun for me who loves Xmas to mix all of the traditions and find lots of new ones. Lance is going to be so spoilt for Xmas spirit.

Xmas with a toddler - so much fun!

Xx

Reflect

It's been a bit over a month since I started writing my blog. I have grown so much from just writing about these things. Being able to put thoughts into words and reading them back to myself has helped me to look at certain situations and feelings with a bit of perspective.

Besides, it feels really good to get it out of my system. It's not really venting but releasing some things that have been underlying and that I've not taken time out to reflect on. It's so easy getting wrapped up in being a mum and put myself aside. Sometimes it's easier and other times it's just the natural mother mode kicking in. So I try to remember to at least once a day do something I really want to do. Even if it is to write a post, read a chapter etc.

I've been a bit kinder to myself lately, not beating myself up too much when I've not been a perfect mum, wife, sister, daughter, friend or person. I am tired of pretending to be happy if I'm not or pretending that everything is under control when in fact I could really use a hand. I have finally accepted that I will never be able to do everything right or even to the best of my ability. I can just do the best at that point in time under the circumstances that I've been presented with.

I am just me and that should be enough!

Xx

PS. Thanks to everyone who's reading, it means a lot. I hope someone can take something away from my posts and maybe feel abit less alone.

A good mum or a bad mum?

I'm struggling with the term "you're a good mum". How do you know? Can you measure it? Is it comparable to other mums?

How do I define a good mum? I have no clue. I guess you don't know until the child is grown up so you can get an overall picture of the influence you have been in that child's life.

Can you be a good mum even though you have bad mum moments? When you get too overwhelmed or all your buttons have been pushed and you end up loosing your cool? Does that mean you have been a bad mum that day or does it weigh up at the end of the day. Good moments versus bad moments. Is that what defines what type of mother I am?

To me I'd rather be a present mum or involved mum or affectionate mum or mamabear mum or all of the above. I think there's pros and cons with every decision or approach I take throughout the day in various situations, but I have to be comfortable that I made the best decision I could at that point in time. And even if I look back at it later and think "what on earth was I thinking", try to be understanding of the circumstances and emotions that I was dealing with at that particular time.

Good mum or bad mum?! Is that even a thing or are we just mums?

Xx

Pyjama party

Me and Lance had an all day pyjama party yesterday. It was just what we needed after the week we'd had. I had barely had any time to just spend with Lance and in the house. So it was really nice to put on our onesies and sit on the floor and play with whatever Lance wanted to play with. We even managed to fit in a Mickey mouse Xmas dvd.

I decided to be extra comfortable and had tesco deliver my messages to the door. It was well worth it! Sure they were a few hours late because of the snow but I didn't mind as I didn't have anything else planned.

And on top of that Lance rewarded me with a long lie. So I feel very refreshed and recharged today. Just what we all needed!

Xx

Make or break

I've had an intense week so far. In an already busy schedule a failed MOT, worn down locking nut key, no replacement nut available, the discs needing replaced aswell as the breakpads since I had to drive around getting parts to get the breaks fixed in the first place, the clutch being worn down, really got me overwhelmed.

I wanted this week to be about spending time with family, since my brother is leaving for his travels today. My dad and stepmum were over from Sweden Monday to Wednesday so I wanted to have as much time as possible with them. My brother released his first album this week so I wanted to be there to help as much as I could and be supportive.

But I think I've managed pretty well to be honest. I've tried to organise things so I could fit everything in that had to be done. I've prioritised family over any classes Lance usually goes to. My husband did all the phoning around and booking the car in and my brother in law has been a huge help trying to figure out this clutch carry on.

So looking back at it now I'm proud of myself for how I handled it all. Sure there was moments of distress and anger when things didn't go to plan. I've been going through a whole list of emotions this week and they are all validated and natural. However it's the ability to move on from them that has surprised me the most. Being able to see the bigger picture, prioritise and let go is an enormous thing for me and ask for help!

It's just been one of those weeks that can make or break you. I'm sure everyone has them.

Xx

Bursting with curiosity

It's absolutely amazing watching a child discover new things and the excitement in their eyes when they find something they really like.

It's a bit sad when I think of myself sometimes being scared of new things, change or the unknown. When did I stop being fearless and became cautious instead?

I hope lance's curiosity and eager to learn stays with him as long as possible. I want to encourage him to stay fearless and hopefully he can carry that with him through life.

What a great relief it would be to not constantly be nervous about change but instead be excited about learning something new. I get way to comfortable in what I know that I forget to seek knowledge and experience where I wouldn't normally look. I need to keep telling myself "what's the worst that could happen? " and "so what if it does? Will that define me?"

I need to get a grip of myself, do something I wouldn't expect of myself and grow as a person. I really want to lead by example and show Lance instead of just telling him. I want to! I can! Just do it!

Xx

A good squeeze

There's nothing like a proper good hug from my son.

When he looks up at me, stretches his arms up to get picked up. Then curls his legs round my waist and grabs a good hold of my arms. Turns his head to the side and rests his cheek on my shoulder. Those following seconds are total bliss. It just shuts everything else out and fills me with love and happiness. There's no place else I would rather be and nothing else I would rather do.

Hugs are totally underestimated!

Xx

Self-defence for babies

I found myself in an uncomfortable situation today. We were at a class and Lance was walking around minding his own business as he does. Just in his own wee world discovering things and investigating how everything works.

Out of nowhere this slightly older boy came right up to Lance and spits in his face. Not just once but twice before his mum intervened. Lance just looked at him and didn't move. He didn't start crying or anything. I was waiting for a reaction but inside I had no idea what I was hoping for him to do.

How do I teach him to stand up for himself without being violent? I honestly think he reacted in the best possible way considering his age. But he could have easily tried to shove him or slap him in the face and I'm honestly struggling to make up my mind about what I would do. I want him to stand up for himself and defend himself if needed, but I never want to promote violence.

That little situation has made me think about these huge topics and I still have no idea what I would do. I guess I just have to play it by ear. I just felt so bad that Lance had to stand there and take it. The boy seemed to have it in for Lance for some reason.

Xx

Not enough

Today I have been going non stop. I have been chasing my own tail all day, feeling like whatever I do or how much I do I will never be able to catch up with everything that needs done.

I always feel abit more stressed when it's getting closer to Davy going away to work again. I have this idea of the things that needs done when he's home and we never manage to do even a quarter of them. I have not yet figured out why, but things just seem to be getting in the way. I think the days are passing by so quickly when you have a kid aswell, keeping up with all the feeds and naps and playgroups.

I have just sat down on the couch but I can't relax cause I feel stressed about everything that needs done. It's like an uneasy feeling in my chest that I can't shake off.

I don't like when I let myself get so worked up over small things. I really need to find an effective way of releasing the feeling and chill. Any suggestions are welcomed!

Xx

State of emergency

Everywhere I look at the moment I see devastation and hate. It's horrible to think what lays ahead. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring and I can see people all around starting to live in fear. It is so sad even though I understand why.

My first thought is to prepare the house if we would end up living in a state of emergency or even worse amongst a war. I'm honestly thinking of stocking up on tinned food, batteries, bottled water and other essentials. Because my first priority is to make sure Lance is ok it really makes me think three steps ahead.

I know it can seem abit drastic and even paranoid but honestly I just need to be able to go to bed knowing I've done everything I can for my family to be ok for now.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best!

Xx

Lazy Sundays no more

Life keeps going at full speed even if I'm tired and hungover from a night out. I've really learned that today.

I was out for a dinner and drinks with the sis in laws last night. Just what I needed, a proper girls night with some great chats. I kind of amazed myself by staying up past midnight, as I'm usually in bed before ten o'clock every night to be able to survive the next day.

I am suffering more from the lack of sleep than the actual drinks. Gone are the days when I could stay in bed until I felt like getting up. Instead we went to the park to feed the ducks at half nine this morning. And I honestly would not trade that for anything. Doesn't matter how bad I'm feeling, getting up and doing something with Lance is more rewarding. And I feel like I've not wasted a day.

But I'm not going to lie, getting to stay in bed for a couple more hours after the boys got up was brilliant 😊

Xx

Crying to sleep

I have seen a few written words lately that it's wrong to let your baby cry before they go to sleep. So instead they've found solutions like feed them to sleep, baby sleeping on them at all times or sleeping in the pram / car.

I chose to have Lance sleep by himself from 6 weeks old. And he was happy with that. Sure there are times when he cries himself to sleep but it's not because he's alone. It's because he's trying to fight the sleep. And the times when I have caved in or let the guilt feelings that I've accrued from reading all these things take over, it has prolonged the process instead of helping it. Every time I gave him cuddles or any attention, it was like adding fuel to the fire.

But because he's used to falling asleep when he's alone, for us it works best to watch him on the monitor and only go in if it's needed. The few times we have taken him through to our bed because he's been sick or whatever, he won't get comfy and settle at all so I end up putting him back in his cot and he's usually asleep again in no time.

Besides I would not get anything done if I had to be with him through naptimes and bedtimes. I love having that time to unwind, get a shower and get dinner made and other housework done. And that gives me more time to spend with Lance when he's awake.

So if I gain that and Lance still gets a good sleep, what harm does a bit of whining do?

I am tired of people having opinions about this and making people feel guilty about it, because every child and every relationship is different and the mummy knows her baby best. If she asks for suggestions that is one thing. But you can't say this is wrong and this is right, cause your not in her shoes.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but it's not your right to force it on to anyone else. We all learn as we go! Support each other and we can all be the best mummies we can be.

Xx

Optimism

I think optimism is one of those things that can be really annoying or hit the spot and help you get out of a rot.

I am very good at finding something positive in every situation and I like that part of me. I love finding solutions to problems and help flip things around to something positive.

But I also find it amusing annoying people close to me with it. You know when all you want to do is moan and be angry or irritated over something that has happened to you. Or someone is just point blank annoying, you feel the need to just have someone agree with you. I love seeing how people react when you constantly hit them back with optimism and slowly the power of the negativity fades away or shifts towards me standing in the way of their moment.

I know there's a time and place and the negative feelings are just as important as the positive ones. Feelings are there to be felt, but not to consume you. So I make sure I moan to someone who can sympathise with me and then slowly put the situation into perspective and help me move away from it and release the feeling. Otherwise it grows arms and legs and often turns into rumours and arguments. The process is important!

Last night I struggled big time to find something positive in Lance waking up every hour. And then out of nowhere my sleeping husband offered to make Lance some beans on toast to help with his cold. And I burst out laughing and it broke up a long draining night for us.

Look for the positives, they are all over the place. Just need to switch my focus!

Xx

Comfort vs. Attention

I am struggling today to know when Lance is crying because his throat hurts and when he just wants attention.

Because he's been struggling to sleep the last few nights and naps, I have tried to make sure he knew I was here for him. So I've picked him up and cuddled him until he would fall back to sleep.

I have always been consistent in letting him fall asleep on his own in his bed, but obviously his throat has been disturbing him lately so I have made exceptions.

But I can now see that he's quickly picked up that mummy will come through if he moans. So tonight it's taken us over an hour to get him to sleep. I hate listening to him moaning and crying for attention. Some people describe it as their heart breaking but I can just describe it as a bubbling uneasy feeling that comes from the chest and it makes me want to get on my feet and go see him. It is so hard going against your instincts, but in this case I know it will be worth it in the long run.

So I just need to keep fighting the urge to get up and just keep an eye on him on the monitor instead. We can do this!

It's amazing how quickly he changed a behaviour and learned how to get what he wanted. He's like a sponge!

Stay strong and consistent!

Xx

Ready for life

The first year I was on maternity leave I didn't really think about this much. But now when I'm officially a stay at home mum the pressure is on to make sure that Lance learns everything he would normally learn at nursery.

It's now my job to make sure he gets to explore and learn. When I think about it like that it feels like a huge task and responsibility. That it's up to me to make sure he's stimulated and that I bring out his strength so he can become a confident wee boy. I have a tendency to expect the very best of myself and this is no different. I feel like Lance will reflect how good of a mum I am by how well he's doing in his development.

Even writing it I get disappointed in myself for seeing it like that. I know in my head that it's totally irrational. Lance will only learn if he wants to and feel ready to learn something. And what I should be looking at is that he's a well-nurished and happy boy and feel secure in who he is.

So I've come up with a compromise for myself. As long as I do at least one thing/activity everyday where Lance has a chance to explore and learn then I can feel like I've fulfilled my task. Whether it's drawing, painting, singing, dancing, swimming or whatever we decide I'm going to be happy with that.

New focus, new day!

Xx

An all nighter

When I got home yesterday Lance had started loosing his voice and you could hear how raspy his throat was. I knew that I was in for a long night.

For once I let him sleep in my bed so I could keep an eye on him and comfort him when he woke up screaming cause his throat was so sore.

It's horrible seeing your child like that. I could feel his pain and all I could do was give his some painrelief and water, hoping it would be enough to deal with his sore throat, the nasty cough and the raging fever that kept shooting up all night.

I am beyond tired today, but days like these are all about Lance. I don't care that I'll probably not be able to have a shower or do some washing. It can all wait! This is the first time Lance has been this sick and I just want to make sure that he knows he'll be ok.

Xx

Me time

We all need some time for ourselves once in a while to be able to recharge and relax. Since having Lance I have had to learn to prioritise these moments. Just as it's important for Lance to go to his classes so he can socialise, learn and have a change of scenery. It's just as important that I get a chance to be me for a couple of hours a week.

This used to make me feel selfish and guilty. How could I be happy to get away from my baby and husband. Surely that can't be normal?

But when I noticed the difference in myself after having a short break I knew it was a great thing for all of us. I can invest more energy into playing with Lance and have fun because I know I will get the chance to recharge.

I am a mummy 24/7. I am also trying to be a good wife whenever I can. But I also need to be good to myself and make sure I'm in a good place so I can be the best mummy and wife. Cause we all deserve that.

Finding a balance is tricky, but I never will unless I try! Practice some healthy selfishness and be kind to myself! So I can be the best version of ME!

Xx

Title: Mum

It is now a title I carry. But it has taken me a good while to get used to it.

The first few months I didn't feel like a mum, I felt like a caretaker and a hardworking one of those.

For me I first felt like a mum when Lance would come to me for comfort, cuddles and whatever he needed. When I could see him looking around and lighting up when he seen me. When he could move around by himself and come see me because he wanted to, not just because I picked him up. That's when it hit home for me.

It was difficult seeing the mums who instantly falls head over heels with their babies, while for me, I had to get used to the idea of being a mummy and the fact that I now have a child. It's been a process, a great one. But I can say that my love for Lance has grown every single day he's been in my life and I feel so lucky!

I felt like I was the only one who had experienced this and that there must be something wrong because I didn't instantly fall in love with my baby. Nobody ever talks about those feelings and I had no idea that a person close to me had gone through the same thing until I told her my story. And that made me feel alot less alone and I hope by me telling my story another mum can recognise something and stop feeling guilty.

We are all unique and everyone has a different story!

Xx

Look who's not talking

What a privilege it is to be able to talk and say what's on your mind.

I've noticed Lance getting more and more frustrated with not being able to make himself understood. He understands everything I say to him and he knows what he wants but he's just not able to communicate it yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a wee chatterbox and he's always got something to say. I just don't know what he's saying yet.

I feel really bad for him when he gets frustrated and says something over and over again to the point where he starts crying if I've not figured out what it is he wants in time. But on the other hand I'm not looking forward to all the whys and hows and whos that comes hand in hand with the ability to speak.

Speaking and being understood is something we take for granted. I keep imagining myself in a foreign country where nobody speaks my languages and trying to make myself understood. That must be what Lance feels like now.

I remember when I was in high school I had completely lost my voice and I couldn't even force a sound out and the teacher wouldn't believe that it was genuine, so I got in trouble for it. It was heartbreaking cause I couldn't even defend myself.

I learn so much from my little guy. And today I've learned to appreciate my voice and to think about what I use it for. Be kind and use my words wisely!

Xx

Appearance

It's a funny word that. I see two meanings of that word.

- Things aren't always what they seem to be. Keeping up an appearance by acting a certain way

- How you look externally. Clothes, washed hair, make up, well groomed etc.

The link between them is that they're both referring to how other people view you. And not so much how it reflects the reality or even how you are feeling.

I sometimes stop and have a good look at myself and think if I had met myself on the street and seen the nick of me I would probably not be too impressed. But I might wonder how bad must her day have been since she's not even bothered putting on a clean jumper or dry shampoo her hair before she left the house.

It used to get to me. That people might look at me and assume things that were incorrect or not even close to what I had just been through trying to leave the house. I let small things like that get on top of me and I was constantly feeling judged and watched as a new mum. Was I doing it right, did someone just hear half a conversation and assume I was saying something else. The list can go on and on.

The truth is I am not a mind reader and all these things were all in my own head. It was me, I was judging myself based on the insecurities I was carrying around. Playing out all the what ifs and should'ves.

People have themselves to worry about, and if they do have the time to sit and judge me, then honestly would it affect my day to day life? No it wouldn't, cause I know the truth. And if I'm happy with the truth in my life then that's all that matters.

I can lay my head on my pillow at night and say I have done good today and overall... I'm happy!

Be ok with yourself and your thoughts and the rest will follow! There's no such thing as normal! It's just appearance!

Xx

Where did the day go?

Today was one of those days where you feel like you have done nothing special but it seems to have passed super quick.

It scares me sometimes that I will miss special moments in lance's development when the days pass so rapidly. Because every day I can see him grow and learn, but only if I let myself be in the moment with him and observe him.

The importance of putting the phone down, turning the TV off and just being present for Lance is huge. I don't want to feel like I've not enjoyed every day with my wee boy. Especially since I am so lucky to be able to stay home with him. I really need to get better at living in the moment and appreciate the little things. Before I know it I will be sending him off to school and I won't be able to get these precious days back.

Here's to living in the now with no regrets!!! Xx

Playgroups.. Where?

As an outsider in the Scottish community I find it tricky to keep up with what's out there for the kids in terms of playgroups and classes. I have had to ask around, really try to keep my ear to the ground and I think if I didn't have my sister in law and sister being on maternity leave at the same time I would be completely lost.

As they went back to work, I have now finally found activities for Lance on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and one Friday of the month. However some of the classes are run by mums starting up a franchise and they are really adding up in price. I don't mind paying for them since Lance really enjoys it and I can see the benefits and how much he learns every time we attend one. Plus it really tires him out so he sleeps well.

I really felt like a foreigner when I saw all the other mums knowing their community and what's out there so well. I realise in this that I have no idea how it works in Sweden neither so I would probably be just as lost. I moved away from Sweden when I was 20 so I feel very stuck in the middle when it comes to these things.

I think I just expected all this information to land in my lap when I had Lance, but that never happened. I then realised that everyone else knows the basics and I had to catch up and really do my homework so I can give Lance the best possible start in life. I want him to learn to be social and kind aswell as open up his creative side and learn all the stuff he would learn if he went to nursery.

I want us both to find our place in the community we are a part of and I refuse to feel awkward anymore. My son is very lucky to have the opportunity to learn from two different cultures and we need to embrace that fact instead of having it be an obstacle.

Xx

Food fights

I am so tired of this throwing of food carry on that seem to be taking to stage at every meal time now.

My common sense is telling me it's just a phase, he'll get over it soon. My strict mummy side keeps telling me you need to put a stop to this asap so he understands food isn't a toy. And my emotional self just wants to scream STOP IT! What I can't seem to figure out is a compromise between them all. Such a small thing can make me feel like I'm failing as a mum. Yes yes I know abit excessive but hey that's how I feel.

Sometimes life with a toddler really would be easier with a manual. I have not learned to tell a phase apart from a learned behaviour yet. But seeing the cheek in my sons eyes as he throws his food on the floor and the amusement on his face when I react to it indicates he's definitely testing me. Problem is what is the right answer? Cause I certainly have not found it yet.

Xx

Exhausted

It amazes me how just a couple of hours less sleep or a disturbed sleep can affect your whole day.

I still remember the exhaustion I felt when Lance was just born. When I got an hour here and an hour there. The times when he let me sleep for four hours straight were a god send. I started getting used to the tiredness and found it became my normal.

Looking back at it now I can see that I was just a wreck trying to get by the next hour. I had to develop a solid routine to be able to survive the day. My ship was ran so smoothly that when anything disturbed it I got so upset and angry. Which was mostly taken out on my poor husband.

Lance is now 15 months and sleeps at least ten hours most nights and naps for one and two hours around lunchtime. I have returned to functioning like myself and have started being more spontaneous and flexible without having a mental breakdown.

Now I can see how irrational I was sometimes but I can also see that I just got stuck in survival mode for a long time and struggled to get out of it.
Last night Lance woke me up ones and I only had 7 hours sleep, and I feel it today. And if that little bit of disturbed sleep can affect me like this, no wonder I was a mess during the baby stage.

A little perspective can do wonders sometimes!
Xx

Halloween party

Today we attended a fabulous Halloween themed party for babies up to 2 years old. I estimate there were 35 kids there and probably 60 adults. They had put out lots of different themed play stations, all ages taken into consideration. You really couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Lance has been to similar classes before and recognised some of the props straight away. It was great to see him so confident and calm as he strolled about the hall playing with whatever took his fancy.

It is always a bitter sweet moment when your baby becomes an independent wee boy that doesn’t need his mummy next to him. But the pride of having a confident and kind boy completely overshadows that. It was actually nice to be able to have a catch up with some other mums while just keeping an eye on him.

But he made up for it by clinging to me all evening as he was still very tired after the party even though he went for a 2 hour nap right after.

I can never get enough cuddles of my boy.

Xx